If You Leave Me Now You Take Away the Biggest Part of Tim...

Two nights ago before the super bowl, I preemptively prepared everyone for what would be a post-Tebow ad rant.  I passed around my computer so they could read my last post so that they could see just how frustrated I was.  Then like the "the college park creeper" the ad came and went and I hardly even noticed.   

It was clear after the add that I needed to issue an apology to Tebow and put all of my Tebow themed paraphernalia and put it back in its rightful place. Luckily I was given a new place to direct my anger after the defeatthedebt.com commercial.  That I also thought was an inappropriate advertisement. 

Here is what I will say about the Tebow add, I think the whole point was to get the attention before the super bowl and have an ad so benign that first of all would make everyone who was mad look stupid (like me) and be so benign CBS couldn’t not show it.  Also anyone who says that the ad had an undercurrent of a violence against women is full of a word that rhymes with “it”.

So it is with great sadness that I my tail between my legs and do the modern day equivalent of retreat which is to post this apologetic blog post. 

Breaking Up with Tim (Is Hard to Do)

                                                             

Dear Tim Tebow

There is one day of the year that is hallowed above all others, and if you are reading this blog you probably feel that way too, this day of course Super Bowl Sunday.  I’m Jewish so sometimes we call Yom Kippur the Super Bowl of the High Holidays. For me it’s the other way around, the Super Bowl is the Yom Kippur of all days.   You may wonder how do you ruin the holiest day of the year? The answer is simple, add religion.  Yeah that’s right Fuck You Tebow.

Those are words I never thought I would say.  I loved Tebow. Four years ago I cleared out all my Michael Jordan, Power Rangers, and Cal Ripken paraphernalia to make room for the Tim Tebow footsie pajamas, lunch box, race car bed, and of course anal dildo.  And every college football season I would take out these items and use them… all of them.  I loved every thing about Tebow, his leadership, his non stop will to win, the way he ran guys over, the fact he was a good guy, and of course his ironically devilishly handsome good looks.   I thought I knew what the deal was getting into bed with Tebow, I thought a guy like him would never let me down.  Then came a few days ago when I found out he was going to be in a pro life ad during the super bowl and now I feel like he put every video of “us” together and on you porn. 

First, lets get the kudos out of the way.  Congratulations’ on being exactly who you are publicly and privately.  It’s wonderfull to see an athelete who loves God and not hookers, gambling, guns, weed, or dog fighting.  Who is always himself in front of the camera, I can’t imagine that all LT and his mom talk about is soup and that Peyton endorses products when he is… well I don’t know what he does I guess all he does is football and endorse products.  So Congrats Tebow you are exactly what we thought you were, you are Jim Browns wet dream and that’s great. 

Now the part where you actually fucked me and the rest of America in the ass.  On the day that I would bet brings more people together in this country than the Moon Landing, plus the Madonna Brittany MTV movie awads kiss, plus the Jersey shore, you are ruining this day by making it ultra divisive.  In truth, I don’t care what your opinion is, I care that I have to think about it on this holiest of holy days.  I don’t care that your mom decided not to abort you, in truth it probably would not have mattered if she did; you probably said to your mom “from this day forward you will never see any fetus work as hard as I have to not get killed.  You will never see any fetus work as hard as you will see me to prove this was a good decision.  Thank you, and God bless”.  

So like every other break up in my life I’m taking everything that reminds me of you, and burying it in the same whole where my dog Scruffy McFuTbow is buried and walking away.  Maybe I’ll check out your face book every once in a while.  But right now, I am pretty mad at you, I need some cool down time, but in time, I will get past this anger towards you and maybe I can be a big fan again.  

-Gordo