Profiles In Sportage: Earnest Graham

    Earnest Graham represents the anti-thesis of an NFL star in the current state of professional football. The little known fullback in Tampa Bay has never rushed for 1,000 yards, but he is one of the most respected running backs in the NFC. 

His career began with little fanfare and outside of the 2007 season, he has worked away in relative obscurity. From his all star- like beginnings in high school to his undrafted NFL start, Graham has hit the grass, or turf, with the same enthusiasm and desire as a kid on a Pop Warner team.

Graham began his college career in Florida in 1998 after being named Mr. Football for the state of Florida in 1997. He elected to stay in state and played his college ball at the University of Florida under Steve Spurrier. Graham would play behind Robert Gillespie for three years at Florida earning second team ALL SEC honors his sophomore year. But, it was Graham's senior year that would define him. 

After an injury marred junior season Graham went into Gainseville with low expectation for his senior season. But, at the end of the season Graham had rushed for over 1,000 yards, scored 11 touchdowns, and was ranked in the top ten for every major Florida rushing record. Graham went to the NFL combine sure of his star status in the NFL.


But, after a slow 40 yard dash time and an injury-prone label, Graham would not hear his name called during the 2003 NFL draft. 


Graham would sign with the Cleveland Browns during the 2003 off-season only to be cut a week later. During the 2003 season he would sign with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, only to be cut a week later, as well. That off-season the Bucs would give Graham another shot, but this time Graham would do whatever it took to stay on. 


He started out on special teams. Graham had not played special teams before, but he was willing to do anything to play football. He would act as a gunner on punts, block during field goals and block during punt returns. There was an opening on the depth chart for fullbacks, so Graham became a full back. Then things started to pay off.

In 2006, Graham led the Bucs in special team tackles. in 2007, the call finally came for Earnest Graham. Injuries to Michael Pittman, Carnell Williams, and Mike Alstott forced the Bucs to start Graham for 10 games, at tailback. He rushed for over 800 yards and 10 touchdowns. Mr. Florida football was back. 


The 2008 season began with high expectations for the scrappy runner. He was expected to share the load with veteran Warrick Dunn. But, injuries can change the course of careers and so Graham's odyssey continued. 


Several fullbacks went down during 2008 and the Bucs 2007 leading rusher answered the call. Rather, than bring in a new fullback and work him into the system, Graham suggested he move to fullback. He renounced his rushing leader crown and took to opening up running lanes for Dunn. The selfless player, Graham knew what it meant to win as a team and not just for oneself. The Bucs were 7-3 with him at full back when he went down with an ankle injury in week 11.


Injuries have now caught up to man who once saw opportunity when other players went on the Injured Reserve. He started 6 games in 2009 and went down with a ligament tear in his toe. Carnell Williams return in 2009 and 2010 has meant a permanent movement for Graham back to fullback. 

However, his career has never been brighter. Far removed from the days of hanging onto the practice squad. He is Tampa Bay's starting fullback. He no longer runs as the gunner on punts and kickoffs. He has returned to the backfield where he meant to go 9 years ago in the NFL draft. Now he blocks for the position that made him famous during high school. But, Earnest Graham found a way to make it in the NFL, as a teammate. 

Profiles in Sportage: Shaun Hill

(Profiles In Sportage will become part of Personally Foul's weekly look at some of the top underdogs in professional sports. These men and women are personal favorites of the writing staff and are more likely to show up on your doorstep selling insurance than in All Star games, but deserve recognition in some small way. These athletes play their sport the way they were meant to be played. Our first edition covers one of my personal favorite quarterbacks: Shaun Hill.)

 
Shaun Hill may never go to the Pro-Bowl, lead a team to a Super Bowl, or even start 16 games. But, his style of play and gutsy leadership has given Hill a career no NFL draft guru could have predicted. He is one of the NFL's top backup quarterbacks over the past decade and has enjoyed relative success starting for cellar dweller teams; even jump starting a dormant franchise.  


 Since high school Shaun Hill routinely was overlooked as a quarterback. Not highly recruited out of Parsons High School in Kansas, Hill spent two years at community college where he caught the eye of Maryland Terrapins then coach, Ron Vanderlin.


In 2001, Hill's senior year at Maryland, he led the underdog Terrapins to the Orange Bowl and their first ACC Championship since 1985. (Losing to Florida.) But, during the season Hill out-dueled Philip Rivers to beat the future top 5 pick with 40 seconds left in the game. Still, his lack of arm strength led to Hill going un-drafted and was written off as a product of the Ralph Friedgin system.

15 Quarterbacks' names were called during the 2002 NFL draft, but not Shaun Hill. Of those 15, only one quarterback from that draft currently starts in the NFL; David Garrard. Hill would get the casual look by NFL teams for camp bodies, but luck was on his side. Hill was  picked up by then Minnesota Vikings Head Coach Mike Tice; a former Maryland Terrapin as well. 


Hill would play in NFL Europe and take practice reps on the Vikings practice squad to stay on an NFL roster. Given the chance to play in the NFL, Hill spent 6 years on the bench before getting his first start in San Francisco under coach Mike Nolan. Hill took the opportunity and ran with it.


In 3 starts in 2007, Hill passed for 500 yards and 5 touchdowns, but only 1 interception. Hill won two of three games, but returned to the bench for 2008. But when Alex Smith failed in 2008, Hill returned to a starters role at the halfway point in the season. 


2008 became arguably Hill's best season. In 8 games Hill won 5, passed for 2,000 yards and 13 touchdowns; salvaging the 49ers season from complete disaster. In week 10 of 2008, against eventual Super Bowl contenders Arizona,  Hill led a 49ers comeback with gutsy play and smart quarterbacking. The game was lost by the poor play calling of Mike Martz in the final seconds, but Hill proved his worth. Forcing the 49ers interim coach Mike Singletary to give him a fair shake in the next years training camp. 

 But 2009 brought Jimmy Raye's new offense and  Shaun Hill's 3rd offense in 3 years. While Hill enjoyed relative success, the team went back to give former top pick Alex Smith a chance. But, in 2009 Hill revitalized the career of Vernon Davis (also a former Terrapin) leading to Davis' best season in the NFL and one of the best seasons ever for a tight end. With Hill at the helm the 49ers found ways to win. 


The resurgence of Alex Smith under Jimmy Raye's offense, sent Hill out into the great NFL wasteland for NFL backups. But after shopping himself around the league, Hill found a place in Detroit where he could become the back up and play with some of the NFL top receiving talents. 


Detroit began as another clipboard-holding job for Hill, but after a Matthew Stafford shoulder injury, Hill finds himself back in the mix as an NFL starter. Despite a 1-3 record, as a starter, this year, Hill has thrown for 1,200 yards and 8 touchdowns so far and led two near comebacks before blowing out the St. Louis Rams this week. 


Hill's effect on the locker room brought veteran leadership and hard work to the Lions for the first time in, well, forever. The Lions fell short against division opponents  3 times on the road, but twice just missed the win. Something that cannot be said for the usual play by the Lions against division opponents. Huge steps for a team that has won 3 games in two years. The Lions also have already inked a 1 year extension for Hill next year.  Matthew Stafford may return in week 8, but Shaun Hill has a full tank of experience ready to lead the Lions to their first season of "improvement" since 2007. 


Whatever the NFL throws at Shaun Hill, he will continue to prove that leadership, intelligence, and hard work  can still win in the NFL, despite lacking the physical attributes of a prototypical Quarterback. The ability to win cannot be taught; luckily Shaun Hill was born with it.


-Matt
                                                    Shaun Hill Clinches the ACC Championship  2001

 

Quick Picks! The answer to procrastinating

The Rest of the Best:

After much procrastination, I realized how late I was delivering the picks for Division winners in the rest of the NFL. To prove I premeditated on these decisions prior to the NFL season, I will say off the bat I had the San Francisco 49ers winning the NFC West. Without further adieu here they are:


NFC West: 49ers
Analysis: How could I not? One of the most improved teams of 2009, Alex Smith finally on track and a tough Singletary defense led by Patrick Willis? Cardinals finishing a lackluster 2nd. Seahawks edging out the Rams for 3rd and 4th respectively. 


NFC East: Washington Redskins
Analysis: Call me crazy, but I love Donovan McNabb and the 'Skins defense. With Shanahan at the helm look for a wild turnaround this year and a letdown next year. The Eagles spend a down year with Kevin Kolb, finishing 4th. The Cowboys edge out the Giants for 2nd place and a wild card.


AFC South: Houston Texans
Analysis: Despite losing their top cornerback, the Texans return one of the top defensive lines and offenses. In fact, I love almost everything about the Texans defense and offense. The Titans respond with an up year finishing 2nd ahead of the Colts; who suffer the usual Super Bowl runner up downfall. Jaguars continue to look for fans and possibly a new city.


AFC North: Pittsburgh Steelers
Analysis: The sexy pick is the Ravens, they look like the most complete team. Having said that I wouldn't be surprised if the Bengals finish ahead of the Ravens. The Steelers are truly a complete team with a decent pass and run attack and an underrated, over explosive defense. The Ravens finish 2nd because I can't see the Bengals dominating any teams other than the Ravens. The Browns, well, next year might be a better year, but seriously, its the Browns.


Wild Card Picks AFC: Baltimore Ravens, New England Patriots
Wild Card Picks NFC: Dallas Cowboys, Atlanta Falcons


AFC Champion: Pittsburgh Steelers
NFC Champion: Green Bay Packers


Super Bowl Champion: Green Bay Packers


(Keep in mind this was all planned before the season so I realize how ridiculous this is currently. But I am a man of integrity so I must post my actual predictions before the season. And on that note go Lions!)


-Matt
 

AFC West: Repeat Offenders

The Pick: San Diego Chargers. again.
Why?!!?: Heres why, since 2006 only one team has won the AFC West. Regardless of the coach, the Chargers come out on top. I'd like to say that this was thanks to LaDanian Tomlinson, but thats not the case. Since 2006, the man making the constant difference in San Diego is Billy Volek...'s starter Philip Rivers. River's continues to lead the Chargers even in the absence of LT and Vincent Jackson. So they lost to the Chiefs and so what if Marcus McNeil is holding out. Rivers will continue to operate at a high level and lets be fair, which team has the fire power to compete with the Chargers down the stretch? None. A resurgent defense and the powerful Antonio Gates, yeah they'll be fine. Winners of the AFC though? Nah...keep looking. Chargers win the division, but not the conference.
Runner up: Kansas City Chiefs; in a surprise move the Patriots Mid West start to resemble their blue print.
Not in the Basement: Broncos. Tebow era can't come soon enough.
Cellar Dwellar: Surprise Al Davis continues to rent from the basement.

Al Being Al...

NFC South: Saints still on top, Bucs still on bottom

                                     

                                                      NFC South

I will spare everyone a long drawn out explanation for the NFC South. The Saints are just better.  Coming off a super bowl win, Brees is the second best quarterback in the league and may be about to become the best.  I don’t think he or Sean- “look at me I do look kind of weird which pairs me well with my quarterback who has a birthmark that look more like a phantom of the opera mask than a birthmark”-Payton will let them do that....  

 I do think that their defense is a little bit weaker but it wouldn’t surprise me to see them rough shot through most of the league again.  On a side note, I think Reggie Bush is motivated

Publish Post

and will do some big things this year, hence my over-acquiring him in my fantasy league.  For the order that they finish, Saints, Falcons, Panthers ( I think they would have better luck if they were named the Carolina Cougars, but then they would probably have to make a "Real Housewives of Charlottesville), and then the Bucs (does anyone realize they got rid of Tony Dungy who went onto win a super bowl, then ruined John Gruden’s career (who is one of the most knowledgeable football minds right now) and rid of him only to hire…Raheem Morris. That is more perplexing to me, than the Norv Turner hire in San Diego.

-Gordo

Saints waiting room, remember those days?

'Packin' the NFC North: Sorry Brett Favuruh...

            Ok, lets make this easy...

First of all lets get rid of the animal mascots and we can chalk it up to global warming.  Here is what I know: the Lions have gotten better, they are closing the gap, AND they still aren’t great and still won’t win.  The Bears are the Bears and even if you put the Packers or the Vikings in Bears Jerseys they would lose, because they are the Bears and that’s how it works. 

Simply put, Jay Cutler, big arm quarterbacks don’t succeed in the NFL (see: JRussel, Kyle SuperBoller, Rex Grossman) especially if they have a bad attitude (see: the above list). 

            Now that the obvious is out of the way, the question turns to can Favre repeat and have his former Packers improved enough on defense and the offensive line?  

Towards the end of the year the Packers showed that the O line was improving and with a healthy group coming back...wooooooo.  Logic dictates that Favre is going to decline. If he came back on his own they would be better, but the fact that his team mates came to get him will make him feel like he has Cart’e Blanche to be himself and throw picks.  In addition the loss of Chester Taylor is going to cost them more than they know, All Day can’t do that in the NFL the way he plays. 

My prediction: Packers, Vikings, Lions (what the hell), and Da Bears (may Ditka have mercy on my soul)

-Gordo

Bone Pickin' with Gordo: Big Ben's VY Problem

  

I know I am supposed to write division pics, but I heard about this today and I couldn't stand it, I had to write something:

                                           Ben Roethlisberger

           

            Ok, I want to settle this ABSURD debate.  I have had enough of putting Ben Roethlisberger in the realm of elite quarterback.  There are three elite quarterbacks, Peyton Manning, Tom “pretty boy”/ half man/ half model/ half quarterback, and Drew Brees (who may be on the verge becoming the best in the game right now). That’s it, if you try and put another name in, you deserve to be punched in the mouth and shit out teeth for a week. 

You know who is the same as Roethlisberger… Vince Young.    Lets draw some comparisons: as far as their pure passing numbers and ability go, they can throw the ball well, but they are never going to put up numbers consistently that blow you away.  Second, they are both super immature but apparently “trying really hard.” Whether they don’t understand that no means no, or that when you are depressed and you run off with a gun and don’t tell anyone people are going to think that you are going to kill yourself, they both don’t get it.   

Third, they both win, the reason why is simple: they have great running games and keep plays alive.  The only difference is that when Young keeps a play alive its because he scrambles and when Roethlisberger does it, its because he is fat. 

  He is simply Dante Culpeper but with better teams (tell me how my UFL tastes).  Here is the deal: if you want to tell me that Roethlisberger is an elite quarterback because at the end of the day he wins, then u have to put Vince Young in that category to, he wins 2/3s of his games.  So if you want to put VY that category you first need to have your brain examined, and then get a second opinion.  If they can’t find anything wrong, throw yourself down the stairs so that you have an excuse so then I won’t blame you.

-Gordo

Gordo is one of our frequent contributors. Known for his rantings that seem (and often are illogical) so in our benevolence we decided to give him a column so he didn't kill someone

also his ravings are generally angry and hilarious. Bone Pickin' with Gordo will be featured whenever he feels the urge.

Amateur NFL Predictions: AFC EAST

In keeping with the themes of all major sports blogs for this month, we will now begin airing out our own personal views on each NFL division and their "prospective" winner. In 5 months I plan to revisit these picks and point out the error of my ways...without further adieu...
WINNER of the AFC East: The New York Titans..er Jets.
If it isn't the ugly throwback jerseys that catch the rest of the bEAST off guard, it will for sure be the second straight year of Rex Ryan's organized chaos, that does the trick. Ryan's Jet Airplanes return nearly all of the starters from their defense, oh and they get Kris Jenkins back. Mike Tannenbaum upgraded at several key defensive positions grabbing Antonio Cromartie and Jason Taylor. On the offensive side, they maintain some of the inept continuity of last season, but add some exciting weapons. Some that won't play for 4 weeks! But in all seriousness, the Jets look as though they were designed for one reason, to defeat the Patriots. An already great Run Defense, now has the weapons to shut down Tom Brady's aerial attack and possibly the Colts in the playoffs. 


oh and Darrelle Revis finally signed. Randy Moss may feel a twinge of discomfort at that headline. 
 Pick up the Phone, Rex is calling




Pats finish a close 2nd, Miami finishes a tight 3rd and begins to look for a new division. Bills finish 4th and continues to look for a new owner.
 

Hasta Leugo World Cup!

My Spanish may be a little rough. (I took French in high school and undergrad.) But, congratulationados Espagne! After my colleague's bold prediction months ago, I did not think the Armada had it in them. I was convinced for sure the counter attack of Germany would win out. But after that minor hiccup, the Spanish team continued their hard fought World Cup run in style winning in extra time. Andres Iniesta buried the winning goal past Netherlands' Maarten Stekelenburg at the 116th minute. 

As Spain gets their first World Cup championship, the U.S. team is left to ponder how a golden opportunity slipped by so carelessly. The road to the semi finals would have been one of the rare dream scenarios in which they would face only one European team and Brazil was knocked out early. There was no easier route they could have dreamed of. So the U.S. team now looks forward to another "break through" cup run in 2014 in Brazil. Dreams shattered and hopes dashed, the American fan base will no doubt return...in 2014. Long enough for them to heal their wounds and watch enough baseball, football, and basketball to reassure the Americans that they are in fact the dominant sports capital of the world. 

So Au Revoir World Cup! See you in Brazil in 2014! Personally Foul Out!

2010 world cup final prediction: SPAIN WINS in an effectively boring routing.

Almost exactly a month ago today I pronounced to the world that Spain would win the World Cup in South Africa, and today, in spite of facing a very talented Dutch team I'm sticking by my pick.  Am I an expert bracketologist...no, sadly.  However i do know a little about soccer and have gotten very lucky thusfar, so let me tell you why the team i picked is gonna make me right tomorrow.

  Spain has come this far by playing some of the most impressive, and drably bland soccer you will ever see.  A strict possession team Spain uses creative passing in order to freely move the ball around the field and control it for exorbent amounts of time (in lamens terms).  If you are into soccer this is an exhilarating and impressive feat that proves fun to watch and dissect.  However if you are the casual world cup fan this is about as fun as watching Tom Brady kneel 4 times at the end of a Pats-Bills game. 

Basically if Spain scores first you are completely and utterly fucked.  The rest of the game is essentially them kneeling out the clock as long spans of possession and creative movement off the ball gives the other time little chance to touch the ball let alone score.  In the rare event that the other team can get the ball Spain's staunch defense gets it back 9/10 times and on that rare occasion they falter Iker Cassilas saves 9/10 shots.  Spain has won many of its games 1-0, including four straight clean sheets for Cassilas and its a trend they look to continue.  Not that Spain is incapable of having multi-goal games, they certainly have the firepower with golden boot contender David Villa and Liverpool standout Fernando Torres.  Its just that once Spain takes their humble one goal lead, they are content to possess the rest of the game and make victory all but a certainty.  In other words if Spain scores in the fiftieth minute, expect to see their opponents bleed out for the next 40 mins plus stoppage time.

If the Netherlands are to score first, which is also a true possibility with another potential Golden Boot winner Wesley Sneijder, Robin Van Persie, Dirk Kuyt, and Arjen Robben on attack.  Note that I said possibility, because as stated earlier Spain's defense is more relentless and annoying than a busty Evangelical girl that wants to wait for marriage.  NOT EVEN A HANDJOB!!!? Its not like your future retard husband needs your hands to be pure as well!!! They don't have palm hymens for a reason: every girl that swung a baseball bat would be labeled a handy whore!!! But, I (slightly) digress, if Spain scores first this game is as good as over.  I do not foresee it going to extra time (unless scoreless) and unless the Dutch find a way to score first and contain Xavi's spectacular passing regimen, expect Spain to come off the pitch holding the hardware in sexy fashion.  Prediction: Spain starts out with Villa up top, subs in Torres between the 60 and 70th minute, Torres/Villa scores between the 60-80th minute, and Spain's passing attack lets the Dutch bleed out slowly and painfully in a boring 1-nil victory. Viva Espana, and Congrats Germany for taking the little coveted third place victory.      

Everyone deserves a Second, Second chance.

           One of two things seems to have taken place over the last two weeks. Either Michael Vick and Cedric Benson missed Roger Goodell way too much or, and the more likely scenario, there is just something magical about an evening out at a night club for NFL players. 

The two former offenders of the NFL conduct act found a way to make it back into the graces of Roger Goodell through stories published this week. Cedric Benson, fresh off his turn-around season with the Bengals, gets into fisticuffs with a bar employee in Texas in May. He claims, through his attorney, that the facts laid out are not how the events unfolded. Assault charges pending. Explain that to the ROGER. A man with a previous BUI (Boating under the influence) charge and DUI charge claims that this 3rd account of drunken misconduct is also flawed; similar to his defense in the two previous charges. 

Possible ROGER penalties: 4 game suspension and finger wag.
Possible Verdict: Guilty

Now the second story comes out of the strictly law abiding section of Virginia Beach,Va. Once home to the ever hospitable Bad Newz Kennels canine appreciation center, and current home to upstanding citizens like Marcus Vick, Allen Iverson, and "everybody kills everybody" Terrell Pryor. Michael Vick, fresh off his own redemption season, makes one classic NFL life-rehab flaw: sticking by those troubled childhood friendships. After his 30th birthday party, (wrong side of 25 big boy) a shooting broke out at the exact bar he held said party. Who should be the victim of the shooting? One of Vick's former "Kennels" business partners, Quanis Phillips. If Ray Lewis can get rid of those 'ne'er do wells' for friends, Vick should be just as able. And not so much Cain. I kid. 

Vick maintains that he left the party 30 minutes before the shooter arrived. Everyone corroborates this, but very few will give police witness accounts of the incident; obstructing justice. This casts a curious eye over Vick. Who are these friends he is keeping? People that draw the ire of other "nasty Nathans," to a point where weapons are drawn out? Something seems fishy and Goodell is quite the angler. He'll get to the bottom of this. While Vick may be innocent, the ROGER gave him a short leash after his dog walking days and he may have run too far with it. 


Possible ROGER penalties: 4 game suspension or banishment to Siberia/CFL.

(Its not as exciting as Ricky makes it out to be.)
Possible Verdict: Not guilty or obstruction of justice.

The hope here is that both players learned from the 2nd chances to make their 3rd chances a little less hectic than their 4th chances will be. Beware the ROGER, he is no Paul Taglia-pushover. Retribution may be swift and the Argonauts may find a replacement for Damon Allen after all.

First Shootout of The World Cup! and musical mood setter: Desperado

  Paraguay beats Japan after extra time in the first shootout of the South Africa World Cup. A tight gripped defensive match went straight through a scoreless extra period and into the biggest heart break of all, a shootout. Shootouts: the one time when soccer (futbol/football) becomes strictly an individual sport and thus adding to the brutalness of a defeat. 


No player will feel the pain worse than Japan's Yuichi Komano. The defense man banged his shot off the cross bar to break the deadlock and give Paraguay the lead. Still for Paraguay to win they needed one final shot by Paraguay's version of Jose Altidore. The poise displayed by striker Oscar Cardozo to nail the last shot was unheralded. Considering, until that point he had drawn the ire of his native country by not performing up to his potential thus far in the games. So Paraguay moves on to face either Portugal or Spain....


Well Paraguay had a good run. But, facing either one of these FUTBOL powerhouses, that's enough to make Cardozo return to his group play underwhelming performance. But for now lets allow Paraguay to celebrate and we'll cheer them on with some help from Me First and the Gimme Gimmes. Cardozo you truly are a "Desperado."


DESPERADO!!!

Portugal vs. Espana preview (why Portugal is going home tomorrow)

While this titanic soccer matchup between Portugal and Spain seems to point towards a heavyweight battle to the finish, this battle will prove to be more one sided than most would like to think.  Had the Brazil-Portugal game turned out differently, its not entirely impossible to imagine these two sides squaring off in the final game, however that is not the case, and one of these teams must go home earlier than desired.

These bordering countries are both perennial soccer powerhouses (or at least have been since the turning of the millenia) and save for Spain's epic 2008 Euro victory, neither one have had very much to show for it.  Both clubs have an exorbent amount of talent on their squads and have been projected to go deep in the tournament since the end of the 2006 World Cup. 

 Although arriving to meet in the second round, both of the squads had a bit of a rocky start in South Africa. Spain suffered an uncharacteristic loss to Switzerland, and despite obliterating evil Korea 7-0, Portugal acquired the rest of its points in two scoreless draws with Cote d'Ivore and Brazil.  On the plus side they held Brazil to no goals, and put up a handsome amount of points against a North Korean team that played squarely against the dominant Brazilians.  On the minus side: ITS FUCKING NORTH KOREA.  If they were in any other continent or area of the globe the odds of them even making it to South Africa would be comparable to the odds of getting struck by lightning whilst riding a unicorn.  They are a crap team (105th in the world and I didn't even know 105 countries even played soccer for realz) and 7 goals against a crap team is still not a noteworthy performance, nor a strong judgement of your skill. 

While playing against decent teams Portugal has yet to even score a goal in this tournament.  This is a major obstacle to overcome considering Spain's defense is anchored by greats such as Sergio Ramos and Carles Puyol.  Should an errant Portuguese attacker get through they will still have to face the likes of Iker Cassillas, who is internationally regarded as one of the world's greatest keepers.  If that isn't bad on the other side of the ball you have David Villa who is playing to near perfection up front (minus his hat trick loss on a missed penalty kick), and the extremely deadly Fernando Torres: who despite recovering from injury is still trying to find his finishing touch has seen lots of opportunities (and if he is able to bury just one it is highly likely that scoring touch will be back in full force).  If  Torres is able to get back to form it will be hard to imagine any country beating this very solid Spanish team down the stretch. 

For Portugal to win someone is gonna need to come through and come through big.  That's right, all eyes are on you; Christiano Ronaldo.  Ronaldo the tremendous young football phenom whose good looks and quick feet are overshadowed only by his gargantuan vagina.   You are the "worlds best player" (meaning he is Lionel Messi) and if you wish to live up to your credentials and have people stop referring to you as an std laden, crybaby/pretty-boy now would be a good time to come through for your home country who desperately wants to taste success.  Ronaldo is THAT good, and he can come through and win this game for his country if he plays to potential, however it is far more likely that this potent Spanish offense will score first and a staunch defense will keep Ronaldo frustrated and playing sloppy as a result. 

If Ronaldo and co. score first in an early goal look for an exciting game.  However if the Spanish strike early expect Portugal to start packing their bags.  The latter result is more likely as the Spanish team has more talent spread around, and a very solid chemistry flowing through all eleven players on the pitch.  Final prediction: SPAIN  reigns victorious 2-0.          

A timeline of catatstrophe: the poetically just tale of France's 2010 World Cup run

Can you really blame French Coach Raymond Domenech for France's poor performance in these 2010 World Cup Finals?  Yes....and sadly no.  On the latter end one must first consider what a colossal fuck up this French team is as a whole.  The team ended up dead last in arguably one of the easier qualifying groups following an embarrassing 2-1 loss today against the host country South Africa.  Bafana Bafana got a much needed win in order to keep a shred of dignity while becoming the first host nation to fail to advance through the qualifying stage. 

Yes, even the incompetent 1994 US team made it through the group stage rather gracefully (with out the likes of superstars Tim Howard and Landon Donovan no less).  In lieu of losing even to the worst performing host nation in World Cup history, one must wonder how the defending runner's up have fallen so gracelessly.  For one, the team is not nearly as strong as people make them out to be. 

Just because you were good, doesn't mean you are good, and this 2010 French team is NOT good.  For starters they lack a large depth of talent in any given area.  You have strong players in MF Franck Ribery (the most french looking fuck on that team, I cant stand to even look at his face), F Nicolas Anelka, and D Eric Abidal.  Notice I said strong players, not exceptional players.  These are all good players but none of them are able to hold a candle to the great French players of old such as Zinedine Zidane and Thierry Henry (when he was young and actually could score). While they are all good players in different areas of the field none of them seem to be able to connect, and all of them have had noticeable problems.  Ribery seems to be trying to shoulder the weight of this team in the absence of Zidane.  Noble as his intentions may be, my memory fails to serve me the last time a left winger single handedly led his team anywhere.  Abidal has had strong seasons with his Barcelona squad, but has been shoddy at best in the tourney and had a devastating penalty in the box against Mexico that put any hope of tying that game to rest.  And Anelka....ooooohhh Anelka.  Your heroic display of male diva-ness should be applauded by the likes of Terrell Owens.  You had a pissy fit with your idiot coach and caused your whole awful team to skip out on some much needed practice.

Finally you can blame a great deal of this on the aforementioned idiot coach.  In my eyes a coach/manager has two main responsibilities: to come up with formidable strategies, and to get the most out of your players.  Domenech has failed miserably on both accounts.  His teams lack of cohesion and inability to string passes together are a testament that his implemented strategies are simply not working...this team is NOT playing like a team (ask Zidane he will back me up).  And secondly he is not getting the most out of his players, namely because they all hate his guts.  In bringing together this mediocre crew he left of a few big names out as well as brought in some questionable aging players....ahem, Henry.  That man is old enough to need a colostomy bag (in soccer years that is).  Your little fight with Anelka would have been handled very well, if you were a coach that had the respect of the rest of your team!  You cant just go kicking players off the team without the unwavering support of the rest of your squad, and you can't hope to keep that by replacing Evra as captain undeservedly and having a general diregard for both the morale and health of your team.  Its the sort of incompetence that has soccer fans around the world thinking:  "No, he would never be stupid enough to do any of that! Doing any of that would almost certainly gurantee mutiny.  What?! He did ALL of that?  What a fucktard!"

Lastly, must we all forget that this is the team that made it into the world cup by beating Ireland on a handball goal that would make Maradona blush.  The dirty cheats got what they deserved, and now they have to wait another four years making cheese and wine to prove that they only kind-of suck instead of really sucking.  Good riddance, I say.  Come back next time and leave your handballs and geriatrics at home.

McPhailure with a capital "O"! ( And say it with Baltimore Accent.)

I swore when I started writing I would never be a homer. I never wanted to let my true feelings on "my" sports teams come through in composition or blog posts. 

But I decided to break my rule. Not so much because my team is deserving of an recognition; it is actually the exact opposite.

You see...I am a life long Baltimore Orioles fan. Stop right there with the sympathy. I made my bed long ago. I could have jumped ship for the Red Sox years ago. (I could claim my father's uncle's cousin was a die hard fan and so am I...just like every out of the wood work fan of the mid-2000s) But I stuck with Orange and Black the whole way through. So this article works under the premise that I am very proud the Orioles got national recognition the other night by David Letterman.

Midway into his monologue Letterman joked that "Lady Gaga is going from ball park to ball park making a fool of herself, just like the Orioles." Even Dave couldn't get the line out without laughing. Its PATHETIC. And I'm not mad at Dave. He's right. I am proud of one thing: After 12 straight losing seasons, the Orioles found a way to actually get worse. (you could cut the sarcasm here with a butter knife.)           


After years of the futile Syd Thrift regime, the Orioles brought in the two headed monster (literally) of Mike Flanagan and Jim Beattie. When that failed, the Orioles brought in an actual effective G.M., Andy McPhail... or so we thought. Before McPhail, the only drafted pitching prospect to stay on the roster over 10 seasons was Jim Johnson. (And he's in Triple A Norfolk, currently.) Think of all the pitchers they drafted over that time?! Its near 50!!!!

So McPhail comes in. The emphasis is on developing young pitching. Good. And they go out and get it. They draft some of the youngest, best arms, and hope they will develop. We as a fan base are told to be patient, but that progress is happening. Around year three that's when we should notice improvement...


Fast Forward to Year 3: It is late June and they have not won even 20 games. Several of their young arms have succeeded and then subsequently failed and gone back down to the minors. Their key free agent pick ups did not pan out. It would be one thing for Garrett Atkins to not hit; you cut him. But Mike Gonzales, that is unacceptable. Not only can he not pitch, but he cost the team a 2nd round pick this year. A top high round pick. The season begins to go bad and then spirals out of control. They lose game after game. The young bats of Weiters, Jones, and Reimold go backwards in development. It is a disaster. But there is a silver lining.


For the first time in years the national media is constantly reporting on the Orioles. Their roster moves are constantly examined and everyone wants to find a way to solve the Camden Catastrophe. So the Orioles are back on the map, so to speak. But the biggest break through comes when you are futile enough to become the butt of a joke. 

Thank you David Letterman for making the Orioles at the least... humorous. I am a fan; and no one laughed harder than me. Except maybe Andy McPhail. I hear he might have a sense of humor. He has to...right?

Philadelphia vs. The NHL's Buffalo Bill

 

                                                            House of Hossa?       

              The Stanley Cup Finals open up Saturday night in Chicago with the ultimate sports mercenary, Marian Hossa, headed for his 3rd straight quest for a Stanley Cup This Slovakian ice dancer has already lost twice in the finals on opposite ends of a back to back  Penguins-Red Wings duel. Maybe its a fashion thing, maybe Hossa is the slutty girl who goes from roommate to roommate in a freshman boys dorm, or maybe he just is looking for the "one?" Either way Hossa find himself back in the big game. You cant fault a guy for that. According to the Sporting News, Hossa's agents used a high tech computer technique to find him a Championship Team in the making. Smart move with the copious amounts if statistical technology available. To me Hossa is a genius. Call him a mercenary, disloyal, traitor, or whatever. I call him honest.

All any good player wants is to win a championship. They know they may not be Hall of Fame material and the odds of their names being etched on the side of buildings and history even smaller. So why not spend every year going for the ultimate prize. Screw loyalty. Where will these fans be when your career is over? You're play has probably fallen off so much at the end that at that point they pretend you never were a Thrasher/Penguin/Red Wing/Blackhawk...You see my point.

Fans are fans because they can't be what their heroes are.We like to think we would perform differently than they would in all aspects. But we can't and never could. So when we question their judgment we question our own intelligence. Think about it.  They grew up their entire lives being told they were special because of a set of skills they acquired inherently at birth. Would I sleep with all those women if I were Tiger...yeap. Would I spend every offseason waiting for a team to pay for my services while I decide if I want to retire or not? Sure would with a smile and a daily newspaper conundrum. Would I take a girl into a bathroom stall in a Georgia college bar because no other women find me sexually attractive since my face ended up on the front of an old lady's windshield? Well to that no. But you see my point. We should only be extremely critical of illegal actions. An athlete committing actual crimes is unforgivable.

But Crimes of FanNess (as they shall henceforth be known) should not be frowned upon. Choosing a team based on money is always a Fan-unfavorite, but not a real crime. I'm sorry CC left you Cleveland. Next time don't be so poor. I have been known to favor the Orioles from time to time; I went through a hate Mussina phase. That decision was not thought all the way out. In this world if you can get the money, go for it. So hating on a Hockey player because he picks his team based on his championship dreams? Even worse. I look forward to Game 4 when the Blackhawks sweep the Flyers. Marian Hossa goes to center ice and holds the Stanley Cup above his head; somewhere Jim Kelly leans back into his easy chair and thinks, "What if?" Hate the game, not the player.

NFL Draft: To Trade or Not To Trade?

This doesn’t make sense. If I told you that with the first pick in the draft you could have a 28 year old 2 time super bowl winner and the majority of his contract is paid off; so even if it turns out he sucks, it wont castrate your team the way drafting a quarterback will first overall will. Or, with your number one pick, you can have an unproven talent who may turn out to be great, but may not and if you miss it will cripple you worse than a car accident. Why wouldn’t you make that trade?



Here is the downside that 2 time super bowl winner is Ben Rapeslotswomenburger. I think everyone who is only concerned about football thinks that this is a no brainer when they consider this an overreaction on the "Stealers" part and someone should jump in while the getting is good. Given the failure rate and consequences of failure in the draft especially with the number 1 overall, this is something the Rams should jump on faster than a catholic priest on blaming priests sleeping with choir boys on homosexuality.



However, I’d argue that this is not as bad a decision as you would think. First off, right now he is more hated than Tiger was because he actually raped women. So on those grounds of course you don’t want him. I mean the Ravens are proud to start two people who have KILLED PEOPLE. The difference is that these guys have either had success or paid the debt that people think they deserve, just like Vick, he hasn’t won yet but a lot of people think he paid his debt.



With Rothelisberger no one thinks that’s the case. Everyone thinks hes gotten away with rape…twice and will have only have a 6 game suspension. That’s not even enough for Stealers fans to feel good about him. He has a lesser punishment than the Phillies fans did (a city known for the most atrocious fans) for puking on that girl and her dad, and punching him, and a cop, and then throwing up on the cop.. .gross.



No one is going to forgive Rothelisberger until he wins. If you are drafting one overall or in the top 10, bringing in a “great” quarterback is not going to fix that, and until you do win you will upset your fans; and have the whole country upset with you. Especially after a year with a record high number of black outs; especially for  teams drafting in the top 10 they cannot afford to alienate their fans anymore.



The best way I can put this in a flow chart form: Ben Rapes women à no one likes him à Steelers want to trade à your team trades for him à you suck because you are in the top 10, he is a loser and no one likes you or him (the additional factor that has to be taken into account is women, and how upset women will be at their men for supporting a person who RAPES WOMEN) à fandom which is already waning is low gets lower à you keep losing and you are forever known as a franchise of both loses and terrible people.



Given all that, I think you take on less risk by drafting an unproven talent and pouring tons of money into someone who may suck but at least is a good person, who you can trade later (unless they are as bad as Jamarcus Russel), and at least it looks like you are trying and trying to do it the right way

-Gordo (Senior Rantologist)

All this McNabb Trade Talk Makes Me Sick!

Thats right Philadelphia I'm getting sick of you and I hope Donovan McNabb is too. In the recent past all of McNabb's off season story lines focus on him moving; and every year Philly fans sound happy as clams about the possibility of him moving. In Baltimore they would love to have a QB who routinely goes to NFC Championship despite a sub par receiving corps. (First it was the QB, then the WRs, now will it be Flacco as the problem?) But no! I won't stand for it! He is a 6 time pro bowler. He has been to one super bowl and 5 NFC Championships. He has a career passer rating of 86.5; incredibly solid. He is one of the toughest quarterbacks in the league; and every time he gets hurt the fans of Philly cheer and hope that it leads to a new QB coming to power in the city of *ahem Brotherly Love. Awful. Koy Detmer, A.J. Feeley, Jeff Garcia, and now Kevin Kolb.

Yes lets look at the career of Kevin Kolb. Three years. 4 TDs, 7 ints; including one of the most embarassing interceptions against the Ravens in 2008. When Ed Reed returned the pick for a td and a league record in return yardage out of his own end zone. Kolb filled in to a decent extent last season, but he doesnt have the confidence or football intelligence to have the instant impact of a Aaron Rodgers or Philip Rivers when they supplanted solid Pro-Bowlers. His two wins last year were against the Chiefs and Panthers; hardly the powerhouses he will face in the NFC East.

But this is what Philly does. Remove solid veterans before they begin to play their days away in squalor. It could be a smart move if the Eagles can get decent value for McNabb. But, McNabb is only 33 and has several good seasons left in him. Would Jeremy Maclin, Brent Celek, and DeSean Jackson have had such a powerful impact if they hadn't had a top tier QB delivering the ball on the money to give them confidence? Who knows? Maybe McNabb will go to Oakland and resurrect Darrius Heyward-Bey. A Terp can dream can't he?

Rumor has it the Raiders offered Nnamdi Asomugha straight up for McNabb. Word. I would take that trade right away and look Al Davis in the eye and say "No Trade backs!" As much as I love Donovan, I love Nnamdi more. Still come on Philly give the hero credit. Rip down your crappy statue of a fictional hero Rocky and put one up of the Chunky Hero Donovan McNabb and a small accompanying statue of his mom.

The Blind Side...of the NHL

 The NHL continues to move forward as the most progressive of the 4 major professional sports with a new rule change today. The new Rule implemented today will punish any "lateral, back-pressure or blindside hit to an opponent where the head is targeted and/or the principal point of contact." Kudos to the Mullet draped owners for implmenting it now in the middle of the season, as soon as it became a very evident problem bam! They were on it. The NHL wants to turn out the best product and seems dedicated to it; other sports (ahem: football) wait till the offseason to try and fix the oddities of the NFL...overtime...and baseball seems to wait till the playoffs to implement new exciting technology...and the NBA is just lost to me....MLS isn't real....

The move is very controversial, but definitly a necessary change to look out for the safety of the NHL players. With all the current controversey surrounding NFL concussions, the rule change shows a progressive movement towards protecting their athletes heads.

Unlike the NFL QB protection rules, this move does not take any of the bad assness out of hockey. It may simply save a few lives and who benefits when hockey players live to play another day? The owners. So a good move for both sides. Owners get their money, players get their heads. But, drunken mulleted-coifed Canadians will complain; because no one is tougher than a Canadian...

Either way this year the NHL continues to showcase how it is number 3 of the four major sports and possibly moving past MLB at some point. Well maybe not, our national past time will always have a place in our hearts; but hockey...lord hockey is exciting. No more Ties, Shootouts. No whiny players demanding more money, badass athletes who get hit by cars and play that night. And to be honest HDTV makes it easier to see the puck. So maybe the NHL should just thank High Definition television. Either way its nice to know the players will get to go home, watch the puck go back and forth, and not have their heads roll off.

Drop the Puck!
-Matt

(Big) Upsets Continue...A Lesson in Futility

T

First and Second round misfires continued for me all weekend. Once again I found new ways to screw up a bracket. Some of my picks were just misfires. I.e: Texas v. Wake Forest: I just have no faith in the ACC, but the seeds were too close so its not an upset. Same with picking UNLV over Northern Iowa. But some other picks left me scratching my head. Clearly someone in the NCAA world enjoys screwing with me. All number 1 seeds made it last year, this year who knows.
So heres the breakdown/analysis. (It helps if when you read my analysis you pronounce it ANAL- Lie-sis) You really get the feel for how the NCAA bent me over

GAME: 7 Clemson v. 10 Missouri
The Pick: Clemson
Winner: Missouri
My reason:  In a real Tiger on Tiger action of a game, I went with Oliver Purnell's raging team led by Trevor Booker. Like Booker T. himself (the wrestler) I expected the Tigers to put the midwest Tigers in a stranglehold and then give them a "People's elbow" to the throat; then move amicably to the 2nd round.
What Went Wrong: Booker T. Washington was eventually over taken by W.E.B. Dubois's rhetoric. More people liked W.E.B.'s message and here we see another Booker failing to deliver to the promised land. also Clemson's color choice "Purple"= pussyish. Real tigers are closer to Missouri's colors. When these two mascots met in the open plains of Africa the Yellow Tiger pounced on the Purple Tiger while he "presented." Brutal.

GAME: 3 Georgetown vs. 14 Ohio
the Pick: George-fucking-town.
Winner: Ohio.......what?!
My Reason: Dammit its Georgetown, they are a real team from a real conference. I dont even wanna make up an excuse here. You just win. That's what you do. Your from the goddam Big East. There is nothing humorous about this. You went to the Big East Championship. No offense Ohio, but the best team you played all year was Buffalo and then you lost to them the next time you played.
What Went Wrong: everything. There are holes in my goddam wall because of this game. You ruined my bracket G-Town. You and your overly pretentious students can go swimming with cinder-blocks in the Potomac for all I care. Yeas you are a high rated university, but stop importing asians and we will see who is the real college. Im so mad right now I need to take a break and calm down. Shit i had you Jagaloons going to the elite eight and you should have. JAG-A-LOONS! thats right dammit..I need a drink....

.....
.....
....

2 hours later.
After watching Kansas lose to Northern Iowa I have decided the relevance of this particular post has lost meaning. Georgetown is the least of my hatred right now. Kansas you smarmy mother-f'ers how could you lose to Northern IOWA. Not IOWA or IOWA State!!!!! I quit. The most famous athletic Alumni of N. Iowa is Kurt Warner...mull that over. Let that marinate Bill Self while you and the Jay-off Hawks ride back to Lawrence to the James Naismith Hall!!!! Do you realize he founded basketball? Did it not occur to you that it would be an embarrassment for you to lose to the Northern Iowa grocery boys?!?! Who gives a shit what their mascot is at this point. You are an embarrassment..
Rant over
whew I need a few more drinks to let this marinate. Ill  be back with more ANALysis later this week. Cheers
-Matt

Bracket Busted...

Already one night into March Madness and my bracket is done. I never claimed to be a Bracket guru or idiot savant, but I always expect to do better than I do on the first night. The law of averages demands that I do better. Yet year in and out I try every different strategy to win and none work. I have done an upset bracket, a favorites bracket, mascot bracket (who would win in an actual fight), and random bracket. Nothing...
So the other night I threw back a few and went to work...drinking yields the same result: busted bracket.
Rather than give you loyal readers a breakdown  of the games; you get my expert analysis of the games that ruined my bracket... the how and the why so far...

Vanderbilt vs. Murray St.
my pick: Vandy
winner: Murray State
-I picked Vanderbilt to win because of Cornelius Vanderbilt's unbeatable reputation as a robber baron. Vanderbilt completely monopolized the transportation industry in the industrial age of America. Fun fact: He ran over weaker competition with a sweet cross over move and reverse lay up.
-Where I went wrong: There is actually a strong anti-trust movement in America and it is illegal to own a monopoly. so naturally the mom and pop taxi company (Murray State) wins. With help of Teddy Roosevelt. (Or Taft)

BYU vs.Florida
my pick: Florida
winner: BYU
- I picked Florida because of the past reputation of Billy Donovan's tough NCAA teams of 2006 and 2007. apparently recruiting has fallen off since then. Fun Fact: Florida was once a Spanish colony with no Mormons in it.
-Where I went wrong: Since Jospeh Smith found the seer stones in Pennsylvania in 1827, Mormonism has taken off like a California wild fire. These stormin' mormons invaded Florida like General Andrew Jackson invaded Florida during the 1800s; well not the same way. Mormons tend to knock on your door and share the good book with you. jackson prefers to...not share anything and put you on the Trail of Tears. BYU wins with modern Jacksonian techniques.


St. Marys vs. Richmond
my pick: Richmond
winner: St. Mary's
-I picked Richmond because it was the seat of the Confederate States of America. It was the birthplace the famous General George Pickett who knew exactly how to lead a charge in the greatest and deadliest war on American soil.
-Where I went wrong: St. Mary was the mother of Jesus. Never bet against J.C. I think its a sin. Also George Pickett's Charge resulted in the annihilation of an entire brigade and turned the tide against the Confederates in the Civil War. St. Mary's continues their matronly quest for a championship. Richmond goes back across the Potomac to complain for another 100 years about how " The South Will Rise Again..." right..


Notre Dame vs. Old Dominion
my pick: Notre Dame
winner: Old Dominion
- I went with Notre Dame because of Rudy; and yesterday was a day full of Irish Pride! St. Patricks Day! The sun shines on every ginger on that day.
-Where I went wrong: It was the day after St. Patrick's Day. The fighting Irish look more like the blacked out hungover Irish...regardless The Irish apparently don't play football or basketball either and Rudy not only cant dunk, but apparently he graduated years ago; and Jimmy Clausen's limo was too busy driving him out of Indiana to help with the full court press.


...more to come

If You Leave Me Now You Take Away the Biggest Part of Tim...

Two nights ago before the super bowl, I preemptively prepared everyone for what would be a post-Tebow ad rant.  I passed around my computer so they could read my last post so that they could see just how frustrated I was.  Then like the "the college park creeper" the ad came and went and I hardly even noticed.   

It was clear after the add that I needed to issue an apology to Tebow and put all of my Tebow themed paraphernalia and put it back in its rightful place. Luckily I was given a new place to direct my anger after the defeatthedebt.com commercial.  That I also thought was an inappropriate advertisement. 

Here is what I will say about the Tebow add, I think the whole point was to get the attention before the super bowl and have an ad so benign that first of all would make everyone who was mad look stupid (like me) and be so benign CBS couldn’t not show it.  Also anyone who says that the ad had an undercurrent of a violence against women is full of a word that rhymes with “it”.

So it is with great sadness that I my tail between my legs and do the modern day equivalent of retreat which is to post this apologetic blog post. 

Breaking Up with Tim (Is Hard to Do)

                                                             

Dear Tim Tebow

There is one day of the year that is hallowed above all others, and if you are reading this blog you probably feel that way too, this day of course Super Bowl Sunday.  I’m Jewish so sometimes we call Yom Kippur the Super Bowl of the High Holidays. For me it’s the other way around, the Super Bowl is the Yom Kippur of all days.   You may wonder how do you ruin the holiest day of the year? The answer is simple, add religion.  Yeah that’s right Fuck You Tebow.

Those are words I never thought I would say.  I loved Tebow. Four years ago I cleared out all my Michael Jordan, Power Rangers, and Cal Ripken paraphernalia to make room for the Tim Tebow footsie pajamas, lunch box, race car bed, and of course anal dildo.  And every college football season I would take out these items and use them… all of them.  I loved every thing about Tebow, his leadership, his non stop will to win, the way he ran guys over, the fact he was a good guy, and of course his ironically devilishly handsome good looks.   I thought I knew what the deal was getting into bed with Tebow, I thought a guy like him would never let me down.  Then came a few days ago when I found out he was going to be in a pro life ad during the super bowl and now I feel like he put every video of “us” together and on you porn. 

First, lets get the kudos out of the way.  Congratulations’ on being exactly who you are publicly and privately.  It’s wonderfull to see an athelete who loves God and not hookers, gambling, guns, weed, or dog fighting.  Who is always himself in front of the camera, I can’t imagine that all LT and his mom talk about is soup and that Peyton endorses products when he is… well I don’t know what he does I guess all he does is football and endorse products.  So Congrats Tebow you are exactly what we thought you were, you are Jim Browns wet dream and that’s great. 

Now the part where you actually fucked me and the rest of America in the ass.  On the day that I would bet brings more people together in this country than the Moon Landing, plus the Madonna Brittany MTV movie awads kiss, plus the Jersey shore, you are ruining this day by making it ultra divisive.  In truth, I don’t care what your opinion is, I care that I have to think about it on this holiest of holy days.  I don’t care that your mom decided not to abort you, in truth it probably would not have mattered if she did; you probably said to your mom “from this day forward you will never see any fetus work as hard as I have to not get killed.  You will never see any fetus work as hard as you will see me to prove this was a good decision.  Thank you, and God bless”.  

So like every other break up in my life I’m taking everything that reminds me of you, and burying it in the same whole where my dog Scruffy McFuTbow is buried and walking away.  Maybe I’ll check out your face book every once in a while.  But right now, I am pretty mad at you, I need some cool down time, but in time, I will get past this anger towards you and maybe I can be a big fan again.  

-Gordo