Pro Bowl Probables: A Likely Disaster

The worlds most high profile flag football game somehow managed to become even more unwatchable. The NFL Pro Bowl, widely regarded as the worst all star game in professional sports (yes even the Badminton Pro Am has its merits) has done the unthinkable to try and get a ratings boost: they've moved their game back to the week before the Super Bowl as opposed to the week after. Which, on paper, sounds like a good idea because overall awareness and football hysteria still exists in the wake of the seasons climax. However the NFL is forgetting one minor thing: all of those good players, you know the ones on the really good teams that take said teams to the Super Bowl, will not be playing. Matt Schaub and David Garrard are the starting quarterbacks for the AFC!!! BACKED BY VINCE YOUNG!!! None of these guys even made it to the playoffs, let alone had spectacular seasons. Thank god the Vikings lost or else the NFC roster would be a complete clusterfuck. To make matters worse, in case you wanted to use this game as an excuse to visit beautiful and exotic Hawaii, you've got another thing coming. In addition to moving the time to a date when many of its starters could not play, the NFL decided it would be in the Pro Bowl's best ineterest to be moved to tacky Miami. In case you havent been to Miami every bar has 20$ covers, 20$ beers, ok at best beaches, and enough silicone and hair gel in/on its inhabitants to fill the Atlantic. So if this coming Sunday you wish to watch the NFL's second best players drop passes and avoid tackles like sissy girls, please turn on the Pro Bowl. Who knows maybe it will be so bad that its funny.

2010 Pro Bowl Rosters

Greg Oden: Packing Heat

In case you haven't heard, NBA baller Greg Oden has had some nude photos surface recently. Ladies, they can be viewed here . The greater question, in my opinion, is why is this news!!? So a seven foot tall black man has a large penis!! What other bombshells are you gonna throw my way? Hell is hot? Dogs are mammals? Madonna has more STD's than a gay bath house? See folks, topics of this sort are not newsworthy subjects, but rather laws of nature. What IS important and newsworthy is what happened to the poor girl in the picture above? If she were to dance too close Mr. Oden could have became aroused and launched her across the room like a shotgun powered jack-in-the-box. If you have any information on the whereabouts of this girl, please contact me with her name, number, measurements, and any other info that may lead to sexy time.

Jarvaris still doesn't get Gilbert's Gun Joke; suspensions all around!!

Today NBA commish David Stern leveled serious suspensions for Gilbert Arenas and Jarvaris Crittenton. Both will be suspended for the rest of the season. The suspension will cost Gilbert almost $9 million of his hefty, hefty contract. Crittenton suffers the same fate, but less money, and both find themselves the punchline of a crappy joke:

Gilbert Arenas and Jarvaris Crittenton walk into a locker room, Arenas pulls out 4 unloaded guns and looks at Crittenton. Crittenton pulls out one gun and loads it and aims it at Arenas. Flip Saunders walks over to them both and says "well Gilbert you certainly bring more weapons for our gameplan, but lemme just say that Jarvaris' plan really blows you away!!"

hahahaha? I kid...thats an awful joke and we should never make light of millionare's and their guns. Because somewhere Charlton Heston can't hold one anymore...hehehe


Gilbert Can't Play, Recoil Injury...

Phantastic Championship Predictions....the other white meat

AFC CHAMPIONSHIP

JETS @ COLTS

Tony and the Jets really thought they had this one coming off of a huge win against San Diego last weekend. With the Jets NY street smarts and blue collar attitudes they seemed to think they could sneak past the perfect storm that is the Indianapolis Colts. The might have seemed to think this would all be a-ok and they could take sweet little Maria to Disney World after this and the Super Bowl have come and gone. However, whilst snapping his fingers and dancing into battle with his switchblade brandished Tony and the Jets overlooked one minor flaw in their plan: You don't bring a knife to a gunfight. Peyton unleashes his gun, and the Colts sending this tragic drama production into overdrive: Tony is left dead on the pavement and suddenly Maria doesn't "feel so pretty" anymore, and begins one of several drug addictions that can only be paid for by selling said addicts physical services for drugs/money. Truly a devastating ending to a once happy premise.

NFC
VIKINGS @ SAINTS

As with the Jets, things eventually looked up for the Saints. Two handsome Irish vigilantes can't be stopped by some old Nordic savages with old weapons right? Wrong. The Saints seem to start strong with their flashy antics and prayers only to realize that you couldn't hit a goddamn planet while diving across the room firing two handcannons in slow-mo. Taking advantage of this notion the Vikings use their slightly less flashy weapons (Adrian Peterson as of late) to great effect and win playoff games using the tried and true formula of good running followed by good defense. The Saints land a few punches, but their prayers go unanswered as Brett Farve causes a media frenzy by heading to the Superbowl at the ripe age of.....OLD. And shepherds we shall be.....because we're overrated. Seriously Boondock Saints is only cool if you are like thirteen or are from 1999, get over it and damn you for making a crappy sequel!

The "Natural" Takes His Act To Kansas City

Former Cardinals' outfielder Rick Ankiel will take his career revival to Kansas City this season. Ankiel began his career pitching for the Cardinals, but was forced to change courses after a bout with control issues. Ankiel returned to the majors because of the skill he he has with a bat. However, last season Ankiel reverted and he batted below .240. Real life Roy Hobbes hopes to revitalize his career as a Royal now. The Royals just hope to fill the void left by Carlos Beltran years ago. Whatever the case, the Orioles of the Midwest will continue to hold tight to their spot in the basement of the AL Central.


Going somewhere Mr. Ankiel?

Love Story: Raiders attracted to Harbaugh, Harbaugh wants to just be friends...

While Buffalo Bills GM Buddy Nix claims he had 15-20 calls a day about his job opening, something tells me the Raiders still sit at home by the phone like a homely girl on Friday night. News today out of Oakland reveals that the Raiders have expressed interest in Stanford Head Coach Jim Harbaugh; brother of Ravens coach John Harbaugh. (And brother in law of Indiana basketball Coach Tom Crean.)Harbaugh claims to not be interested in the opening, but something tells me if Al Davis plays hard to get the tables may turn. 'Whats that Jim you don't want dance?, You misunderstood me I said you look fat in those pants!' That'll work Al, same strategy I used freshman year of high school...that was so successful I spent all of that year with Palmela Handerson... Tom Cable still has not been fired so the whole situation feels awkward. Raiders may start looking at UFL hot shot coach Jim Fassel...
hilarity to ensue..


Raiders Looking for Coach?

Lincecum's mullet wants 13 million for "care products"

The San Fransisco Giants ace "Freak" Tim Lincecum wants to get paid and now. While I am positive that his request for salary arbitration has nothing to with his pot charges, ($513) the legal bills cannot have been a cakewalk for the NL's best Ace. Lincecum made $650,000 last year, hardly worth the fingernail on his right pinky. With two Cy Young awards under his belt Lincey deserves some sort of monetary gain; and soon. With a throwing motion that makes even Johnny Knoxville cringe, who knows when his rotator cuff will tear or require Tommy J surgery. Lincey wants 13 Million, the Giants want to give 8 million. Lets see how the courts decide. Either way i think the mullet will remain unaffected. If there is anything I've learned from Randy Johnson its this: The longer the mullet, the better the pitching. Like Samson of old, the success lies in the locks...


Mullet pay day!

Toronto Bills Hire Karate Choppin' Chan (Not Jackie)

The soon to be Canadian football Dynasty formerly known as the Buffalo Bills made waves today signing the avuncular offensive genius coach Chan Gailey. After a brief stint in Kansas City, (Gailey was relieved of his services after 3 preseason games) Gailey sat out and waded through the coaching market to become the Buffalo Bills latest answer to all their problems. While success has not followed Gailey through his latest NFL and NCAA stops, coach believes he has the answer to the Bills woes..."fundamentals." Well if that is the case Gailey is the man for the job, i.e. Georgia Tech. Good luck Chan. Make sure the severance package includes health care...





Ralph Wilson's Main Man!

Phantastic AFC Playoff Predictions

Time for the AFC folks, and we have some real stunners this week, from an aerial/equine battle to a military/electricity thingy showdown. First up Ravens AT Colts.

Ravens AT Colts

As you might be able to tell, our dark feathered Raven friend has been feasting on some undead Belichick zombie flesh, thus transforming this normally(17 weeks of uselessness) harmless flying creature into a disease carrying monster plaguing teams that actually worked hard to get into the playoffs (sans weeks 16-17). The Colts, now dormant for 3 weeks are gayfully grazing in a pasture when the attack comes. Because of their being out of sync the Ravens strike first, and strike hard. After a few quick bites from the diseased horde the four legged beast finally strikes back and knocks many of the Ravens dead, but not before becoming infected itself. The Ravens have been put back in their place, but thanks to a successful running attack(in this case flying away), they avoid any further damage from the Colts and twenty eight days later the colts die from zombie famine. Ravens start strong, and hold on to win, thanks to their newfound playoff resilience/infection.

Jets AT Chargers

WARNING: This game starts well but ends in tragedy. Those of you who get misty eyed may want to refrain from reading this post. It initially takes off for Mark "Maverick" Sanchez and the Jets. They manage a few missile hits(FOX THREE FIRE!) on the Chargers and manage to keep that high-powered Charger offense in check. Unfortunately for the Jets the Charger offense can only be contained for so long, and when they strike and they strike hard. After sending a shock to the Jets and taking the lead, the power surge causes the Jets instruments to fail causing engine stoppage and a flat spin. Not knowing what to do Maverick pulls the eject button to try and make it safely to the water. However in doing so Rex "Goose" Ryan is ejected into the canopy and dies of a broken neck(yes, even fat people necks can break). Maverick has to watch as he, Goose, and the rest of their playoffs dreams coast into the waters below. Val "Iceman" Kilmer wins again, taking the top gun award and Meg Ryan is left in tears. *sniff sniff* And I told myself I wouldnt cry.

NEXT WEEK: Conference playoff predictions, as well as more credible football intuition.

Getting Romantic in Kansas City: Kansas City Patriots update!!

Scott Pioli continues to show his prowess as a general manager developing some of the hottest coaching prospects. This would be an accurate statement if it wasn't so wrong. In an effort to recreate his New England success, Pioli has again hired from the Patriots alumni newsletter. Today the Kansas City Chiefs start getting a little bit more smooth on defense. Romeo Crennel takes over the reins on defense after a successful stint as a "yes man" in Cleveland. The Chiefs continue to find that best way to get successful is to do what you know. And Pioli knows New England.

Romeo to continue successful/hilarious career in Kansas City

Jose Says Mark is still lying about rear Penetration

Directly after Mark McGwire finally admits to steroid use, baseball chronic pain in the ass Josie Canseco comes out again to say thats not all. In an effort to somehow find that spotlight and some real quan, one last time, Canseco tells all he injected Mark and Mark is lying. I dont even know if it matters at this point. McGwire gets his point across that, yes he did in fact juice. Josie seems to be craving that one last pay day. He says he has more up his sleeves, but I dont know. I feel he shot his wad with Juiced. Theres a lesson for all the youngsters out there thinking about a baseball career. Go to school, get a degree. So you don't find yourself in the hole one day with no redeemable qualities or skills except the ability to inject more than one man in the rear in a bathroom stall at McAfee Colesium...or whatever its called these days. Spring training can't come soon enough......


Josie makes an ass of himself

Phantastic NFC Playoff Predictions: who has the best...no fiercest mascot? NSFW??

When flannel-clad, Budweiser-toting yokels get into a dispute, whether it be over a trashy past her prime single mom, or who scuffed who's new boots, how do they resolve it? Easy...they duke it out. Mono et mono. No elaborate schemes, or trick plays are involved. There's simply a vicious beating until said redneck victor goes home with his 40-something tube topped trophy. Whenever I see a scenario like this I think: why can't other aspects of life be applied to this philosophy? Thus I've decided to present my very own Phantastic Playoff Predictions, where the mascots of each playoff team duke it out to see who is the rightful Superbowl champion.....based on nothing other than my imagination. These will help forego the agony of waiting through 17+ instant replays/challenges a game, listening to Chris Collinsworth commentate, and/or eventually having to watch the Superbowl halftime show (although I'm kinda pumped for The Who). Without further ado here are your

PHANTASTIC PLAYOFF PREDICTIONS.
NFC Divisonal Round

Cardinals AT Saint(s)

While I would have loved to have faced off the boy-fondling Cardinals against the fudge-packing Packers (it may have even been more interesting than the actual amazing game), unfortunately I am a week late. That being said, Cardinals vs. Saints proves to be a bitter matchup, with heavy focus on offense. Because Cardinals are old (Citation #1, Kurt Warner) they get off to a slow start, and the Saints jump to attack and anoint them with some oil or something. Paralyzed by this sudden onslaught of thicker than water liquid the Cardinals fall to their knees. Val Kilmer comes in and brutally murders all of the Cardinals with a handcannon to propel the Saints to their second NFC Championship game in 4 years...and ever (Yes, Val Kilmer is a Saint. Citation #2, that Val Kilmer movie: THE SAINT).

Cowboys AT Vikings

While I find Naked Cowboy vs. Naked Viking a hilarious concept, im going to stick to a more traditional brawl for this segment mainly to maintain my own heterosexuality. Cowboys are obviously more well equipped (Citation #3, above pictures) with both horses and firearms in their arsenal. However, I'm assuming that because this is a home game for the Viking's, the Nordic tundra will kill most of their horses and render many of their firearms useless from freezing or something. Because of this the Vikings begin bludgeoning, chopping and sodomizing the cowboys when they are at their weakest. While the Cowboys are hurt and sexually uncomfortable (Citation #4, Tony Romo) they pull themselves together for the second half by sitting by a fire and eating beans. After sitting by the fire, and warming up their six shooters the second half proves to be dramatically different, and ends in the savage Vikings getting raped and pillaged worse than they could manage in the first half. Cowboys open it up in the second half to pull out a squeaker.......gross, I really do have problems.

Next UP! The AFC Divisional Phantastic predictions, as well as real, slightly more credible predictions about the National Football League Playoffs.

Lane Kiffin to piss off Rick Neuheisel

Looks like the SEC gets a reprieve from Lane Kiffin's many well documented flaws...but, they also lose the NCAA's hottest coach wife...Layla.............Well....Im sure its a fair trade...Tennessee gets...a fresh start...Best of Luck Lane! at USC......

story


hotwife

Sports As Skewed as possible

This being the first entry I'll keep it simple; Chiefly, The mission is simple: bring up to date sports news and analysis at as punctual a pace for one man and several friends who all have jobs. Originality is always appreciated, but there are so many sports blogs what could separate us? Probably a general lack of proofreading, but we hope to make some strides here. Working on uploading video reporting as well. The NFL playoffs are already in full swing so the picks of the week come up tomorrow....