Phantastic NFC Playoff Predictions: who has the best...no fiercest mascot? NSFW??

When flannel-clad, Budweiser-toting yokels get into a dispute, whether it be over a trashy past her prime single mom, or who scuffed who's new boots, how do they resolve it? Easy...they duke it out. Mono et mono. No elaborate schemes, or trick plays are involved. There's simply a vicious beating until said redneck victor goes home with his 40-something tube topped trophy. Whenever I see a scenario like this I think: why can't other aspects of life be applied to this philosophy? Thus I've decided to present my very own Phantastic Playoff Predictions, where the mascots of each playoff team duke it out to see who is the rightful Superbowl champion.....based on nothing other than my imagination. These will help forego the agony of waiting through 17+ instant replays/challenges a game, listening to Chris Collinsworth commentate, and/or eventually having to watch the Superbowl halftime show (although I'm kinda pumped for The Who). Without further ado here are your

PHANTASTIC PLAYOFF PREDICTIONS.
NFC Divisonal Round

Cardinals AT Saint(s)

While I would have loved to have faced off the boy-fondling Cardinals against the fudge-packing Packers (it may have even been more interesting than the actual amazing game), unfortunately I am a week late. That being said, Cardinals vs. Saints proves to be a bitter matchup, with heavy focus on offense. Because Cardinals are old (Citation #1, Kurt Warner) they get off to a slow start, and the Saints jump to attack and anoint them with some oil or something. Paralyzed by this sudden onslaught of thicker than water liquid the Cardinals fall to their knees. Val Kilmer comes in and brutally murders all of the Cardinals with a handcannon to propel the Saints to their second NFC Championship game in 4 years...and ever (Yes, Val Kilmer is a Saint. Citation #2, that Val Kilmer movie: THE SAINT).

Cowboys AT Vikings

While I find Naked Cowboy vs. Naked Viking a hilarious concept, im going to stick to a more traditional brawl for this segment mainly to maintain my own heterosexuality. Cowboys are obviously more well equipped (Citation #3, above pictures) with both horses and firearms in their arsenal. However, I'm assuming that because this is a home game for the Viking's, the Nordic tundra will kill most of their horses and render many of their firearms useless from freezing or something. Because of this the Vikings begin bludgeoning, chopping and sodomizing the cowboys when they are at their weakest. While the Cowboys are hurt and sexually uncomfortable (Citation #4, Tony Romo) they pull themselves together for the second half by sitting by a fire and eating beans. After sitting by the fire, and warming up their six shooters the second half proves to be dramatically different, and ends in the savage Vikings getting raped and pillaged worse than they could manage in the first half. Cowboys open it up in the second half to pull out a squeaker.......gross, I really do have problems.

Next UP! The AFC Divisional Phantastic predictions, as well as real, slightly more credible predictions about the National Football League Playoffs.